Dark Lords In Baby Food Jars
by Confuse Your Muse
Summary: Complete and utter randomness But there's a plotkinda It's what really happened the night Voldemort tried to kill Harry and why Regulus had to die. Done in script form
1. What Are We, Muggles?

Dark Lords in Baby Food Jars

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters/names/and such you recognize. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. I also must give credit where credit is due. Val – I heart you. We are insane and should be locked up but alas we're not. So we can write all this messed up stuff.

Chapter 1: What are we, Muggles?

Lily is dead on the floor. Voldemort looming over baby Harry.

Voldemort: Avada-

Regulus: Are you _really_ gonna kill him?

Voldemort lowers his wand and looks over at Regulus

Voldemort: YES! That's why I'm here in the first place!

Regulus: But he's just a baby.

Voldemort: Better to kill them when they're young.

Baby Harry: Poopie-head

Regulus: snickers

Voldemort: Shut up, you.

Regulus: Who'd you say that to. Me or the baby?

Voldemort: To the big, fat baby wearing diapers.

Regulus: I thought we agreed never to mention that

Baby Harry: (in baby speech) Violetus

Voldemort and Regulus look over at Baby Harry. Voldemort ducks and the spell hits Regulus.

Regulus: Aahh! Purple is _so_ not my color.  
Voldemort: It looked nice on you though.

Regulus: Really? You think so?

Voldemort nods.  
Voldemort: Now, can we finnish the job? I have to go home and watch my Soaps.

Regulus: Fine, be my guest. But when my brother comes to check up on them, he's gonna be pissed. So, is it okay if I go with you?

Voldemort: rolls eyes and sighs As long as you're quiet and I can watch _Passions_ I don't care.

Regulus: YAY!

Voldemort:(clears throat) Avada Kedavra!

The curse rebounds off Harry and hits Voldemort

Regulus: It didn't work.

Voldemort: in wispish form I noticed.

Regulus: You were able to kill his parents but not him?

Voldemort: Shut it.

Regulus: Baby Power!

Voldemort: Shut it!

Regulus: Go baby Harry!

Voldemort: SHUT IT!

Baby Harry: Poopie-head go by by

Voldemort: I'm right here

Baby Harry: giggles

Voldemort:get the duct tape

Regulus: what are we muggles?

Baby Harry notices Voldemorts wand on the ground and picks it up

Voldemort: now, now. Give uncle voldie back his wand sweetums.

Regulus: sweetums?

Voldemort: I'm trying to calm the boy. Now give me my wand so I can kill u.

Regulus: you don't have any arms

Voldemort: shut up. I'm aware. You're making me feel bad

Regulus: Aww does Ickle Voldie want a hug?

Voldemort: I am incapable of receiving a hug. I feel nothing, not even the wind in my hair

Regulus: look at you. you_ are _the wind. And you had no hair to begin with

Voldemort: My biggest regret was never finding a proper tupe. One that was menacing enough.

Baby Harry: giggles

Voldemort: look at him smiling...with his_ hair_

Baby Harry starts flinging the wand around

Voldemort: Regulus, stop him!

Baby Harry:SLUG

Beats Regulus on the head with the wand making his head shrink and nose get longer

Regulus :ARG! Master help!

Voldemort: yeah...i would ya know...if i had a body...really.

Regulus: I hate you right now

Voldemort: I am the dark lord do u really want to get on my bad side

Regulus: What are you gonna do? Blow on me?

Voldemort: When I get my body back, I'm going to KILL you

Regulus: Oh, what was that? I think I hear the wind. You're gonna kill me when you couldn't kill the baby?

Baby Harry: giggle

Voldemort: Get the duct tape

Regulus: Anything else while I'm out? Poison darts, fairy dust, bon bons?

Voldemort: Oh shut up. I'm going with you

Regulus: you didn't destroy the kitchen did you?

Voldemort: no. Why?

Regulus: I need to go get a baby food jar

Voldemort: Whats the jar for?

Regulus: To put you in, of course

Voldemort: I don't wanna go in the jar.

Regulus: What do want a sieve?

Voldemort: Funny, just get a bigger jar. I'm claustrophobic


	2. Isle 12

Dark Lords in Baby Food Jars

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters/names/and such you recognize. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. I also must give credit where credit is due. Val – I heart you. We are insane and should be locked up but alas we're not. So we can write all this messed up stuff.

Chapter 2: Isle 12

Regulus apparates to home depot with Baby Harry and the Baby Food jar that contains Voldemort

Voldemort: i told u to get a bigger jar

Regulus: they were out, we'll get u one here. Excuse me common muggle, perhaps you can tell me where can i find a large jar to put my disembodied master in?

Common Muggle: You mean an urn?

Regulus: A what? i was thinking of more like a mason jar, you know a bigger baby food jar.

Voldemort: screams through jar

Common Muggle: isle 12

Regulus: what about duct tape?

Common Muggle: isle 12

Regulus: you wouldn't happen to have bon bons would u?

Common Muggle: they're at-

Regulus: isle 12?

Common Muggle: no, the checkout.

Regulus: bullocks.

Common Muggle: have a nice day

Regulus: when we take over the world. you're death will be quick and painless. we like u.

Common Muggle: Skedoodles out of his way

Regulus makes his way to Isle 12, and finds what he was looking for is not there.

Regulus: i take back what i said. his death will be slow and painful. he'll baby-sit the boy.

Baby Harry: stares at Regulus and giggle.

Common Muggle #2: what are you lookin for?

Regulus: a mason jar, and duct tape.

Common Muggle #2: That'll be isle 2 for the mason jar and isle 45 for the duct tape.

Regulus: shit. should we split up?

Voldemort: I'm in a jar. I can't move

Regulus: oh yeah. Dang it. Sorry about that, i forgot.

They get duct tape first.

Regulus take the tape and puts some over Baby Harry's mouth.

Baby Harry: muffled poopie slug

Common Muggle #3: you're gonna have to pay for that.

Regulus: shush, i'm trying to silence my baby

Common Muggle #3: i don't think you're doing it right

Regulus: it's my baby

Common Muggle #3: it looks nothing like you, it's not purple. why are you purple?

Regulus: i was born this way. i don't make fun of u for being incompetent and having small beady little eyes. Now get away form me u beady eyed leprechaun. shoo!

Common Muggle #3: Runs away crying

Regulus puts used duct tape back on shelf

Voldemort: can I have a bigger jar now?

They go to isle 2.

Regulus: they seem to be out, master.

Voldemort: no they're not. i see them. they're right over there.

Regulus: where? I see nothing

Voldemort: get a blasted ladder and go get them

Regulus: I still don't see them

Voldemort: you just want me in this little jar don't you?

Regulus: You look cute down there.

Voldemort: just get the bloody jar already.

baby harry takes off duct tape

Baby Harry: poopie pants!

Regulus: You can wait five minutes. Lucius has enough practice with his own son. he can do it.

Baby Harry puts duct tape on Regulus' eyes

Regulus: ahhh. Master i cant see!

Voldemort: Don't drop me, u dolt. drop the kid, he'll bounce, i won't.

steals small mason jar

Voldemort: it's better than nothing...hardly

Regulus: stop blubbering. Want some cheese with that wine?

Voldemort: just take me home.

Regulus: to the VOLDIE CAVE...er...Riddle House


	3. Well, That's Incredibly NonThreatening

Dark Lords in Baby Food Jars

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters/names/and such you recognize. If I did, I wouldn't be writing fan fiction. I also must give credit where credit is due. Val – I heart you. We are insane and should be locked up but alas we're not. So we can write all this messed up stuff.

Chapter 3: well that's incredibly non-threatening

At Voldemorts hideout

Regulus is now his normal color - Voldemort is still in the mason jar and baby harry is playing with Nagini

Baby Harry: SLUG

Regulus: shut up brat

Voldemort: Shut up, I'm watching my soaps.

Regulus: So, he's really her half-brother.

Voldemort: Yes

Regulus: Dude! They're snogging!

Voldemort: Yes, I see that.

Regulus: Hardly, your reception is terrible. I can barely see a thing.

Voldemort: Then fix it. You can still use a wand, can't you?

Regulus: Right, I knew that.

Voldemort: Sure you did.

Regulus fixes the tellie. It then promptly catches on fire and explodes.

Voldemort: You call _that _fixing it?

Regulus: Well, now we don't need to see a brother and sister snog.

Voldemort: Half-siblings. There's a difference. Besides, they don't know that yet.

Regulus: Whatever, it's still messed up.

Voldemort: You still have purple on your nose.

Regulus: Really? (Looks in a mirror) I don't see any.

Voldemort: Oh, it's there, you're just missing it. Take me to the fireplace and call Lucius

Regulus: What for?

Voldemort: No reason. Now, leave.looks and sees Regulus still standing in the same place You haven't left yet.

Regulus: Oh, you meant now?

Voldemort: by 'now' i meant a quarter past fifteen minutes ago

Regulus: dumb expression I Don't get it.

Voldemort: By 'now' I meant 'NOW'

Regulus: why didn't u just say that in the first place.

Voldemort: cuz i like talking in riddles. If Dumbledore can do it, so can I. Dumbledore, with his beard...and hair...and undisembodied body I hate him.

Voldemort: LUCIUS! LUCIUS!

Lucius appears at fire.

Lucius: You rang, mi Lord?

Voldemort: Get your slimy blonde butt over here.

Lucius: now my lord?

Voldemort: yes now. Of course now. Malfoy.

Lucius: but my lord -

Voldemort: when your master says 'now' you should be here already

Lucius: Sigh Coming, mi Lord

Lucius arrives soon after with a baby bottle in one hand and baby Draco in the other

Voldemort: What are those?

Lucius: Narcissa is out for a day with the girls. I'm stuck watching the runt.

Voldemort: You're not very fond of him, are you?

Lucius: let's just say it came as a surprise.

Voldemort: you knew about it for a couple of months, didn't you?

Lucius: no.I just thought she got very fat.

Lucius sets baby Draco down next to Baby Harry who had just tied Nagini into a knot.

Lucius: well, isn't he lovely. Is he yours?

Voldemort: does it look like i can produce children?

Lucius: You look different, mi Lord. Did you lose weight?

Voldemort: In a manner of speaking.

Lucius: ah, well then. looks at the babies Aww, they're getting along so well.

Babies Harry and Draco are wrestling

Lucius: Harry, can you say 'Lucius'?

Baby Harry: Luscious

Lucius: not quite, Harry. Hmm. what's that on his forehead?

Voldemort: it's a cut.

Lucius: it looks like a little slug.

Voldemort: well that's incredibly non-threatening

Lucius: what did you do to the boy?

Voldemort: i tried to KILL him. That was my entire plan. Do you not pay attention. Luscious?

Lucius: That was uncalled for.

Voldemort: I'm the dark lord, everything i DO is called for.

Baby Draco: to voldemort MUDBLOOD

Voldemort: (in baby speech) no no baby draco, i am the dark lord, to be feared by all

Baby Draco: mudblood

Baby Harry: poopie - head

Baby Draco: giggle

Voldemort: did your son just _giggle_?

Lucius: absolutely not. he was having a small seizure. - Now that you've properly insulted me and my son. what is it that you wanted, mi lord?

Voldemort: ok 1: this isn't the dark ages. do not call me 'mi lord'. However. my lord is acceptable. 2: If he calles me mudblood again. the line will end w/ him. and C: -

Lucius: mi lord. 3 comes after 2, not C.

Voldemort: Don't question me. Can't u see I'm distraught. I'm stuck in a JAR!

Lucius: sorry mi lord.

Voldemort: i told you not to call me that

Lucius: Sorry TOM

Voldemort: that is DEFINETLY uncalled for

Lucius: now what do u want me to do?

Voldemort: as i was saying. C: Kill the boy

Lucius: my son?

Voldemort: no, the OTHER boy.

Lucius: what little Harry? but look at him, he's so cute.

Voldemort: cute? Cute, but fiendishly wicked. Maybe we shouldn't kill him.

Baby Harry: poopie head

Lucius: oh, incredibly wicked.

Voldemort: just kill him

Regulus: but he's sooo cute. can i keep him?

Voldemort: are you gonna feed every day. can u be responsible for this? I don't think you're ready for this

Lucius: he's not a pet

Voldemort: you act like yours is

Lucius: but he's mine. and he get fed...most of the time

Voldemort: Kill him or face the wrath of Lord Voldemort!

Shakes around and falls over.

Voldemort: Damnit, Regulus, get another jar

Regulus: that's the last one sir

Voldemort: Fuck

Lucius: EARMUFFS

Baby Draco puts his hands over his ears.

Voldemort: for the last time. Kill the whelp.

Lucius: Yes lord. Clears throat Avada Kedavra

Spell rebounds off Baby Harry, ricochets and hits Regulus

Regulus: what, I don't get go be wispish?

Voldemort: your not dark enough to be wispish.

Regulus: How am I dead? Why is HE not dead? Why am I dead? Why is the rum gone?

Voldemort: WE HAD NO RUM! IT WAS GONE TO BEGIN WITH.

Regulus: why did the whelp live?

Voldemort: What is this kid made out of Teflon?

Lucius: Snips and Snails and puppy dog tails. That's what little boys are made of

Voldemort: enough with the rhymes. Can you fix the tellie Lucius?

Lucius: Okay, mi lord

Voldemort: YAY

Voldemort: Thank you.

Lucius fixes the tellie.

Voldemort: Ah, just in time for _As the World Turns. _Very nicely done, Lucius.

Lucius: Thank you, sir. Would you like some popcorn?

And that's it. Our random and totally messed fic that comes along when you get two crazy fan girls talking about the books and who's gonna die in the 7th one. Although, it doesn't matter now, cuz Siri is dead and unless she kills off Harry, all the good characters are gone (not counting Lupin - but he's suffered enough. (that's never stopped her though))


End file.
